Way too off....

It's been awhile. Where do I start when I have so much to say. I've made such a mess of my life and feel like it's beyond repair.

Is it me? Is it what I'm made of? It is how I'm wired? Is it what I've learned or even possibly what I haven't learned? I just don't know how to communicate with people and how to maintain relationships. When it gets too hard I just shut down.

I really feel like I try hard to maintain relationships. It's often been said that I'm a giving person and I'd like to believe that's true but when is it time to say enough is enough.

When I'm in the room with people, even those I like, it feels like it's an effort to keep up - like the air is being sucked out of the room and I have to catch my breath. I have panic attacks a lot and have to excuse myself. Lately, Ativan is my best friend when I'm out - that's if I go out at all.

Staying home is safe. I don't have to deal with anyone I wish I could stay at home forever but I have doctor's appointments and a few other things I have to do. I often wonder and even worry if it will ever get to the point to where I won't be able to leave my house.

I had to be around people last week and it took the life out of me. It's a long story that hurts me to even talk about. I tried to view it as a way to test myself to prove I could be around people and trust them - it back fired!

This has been the start of a very depressing week but a very anxious week at the same time. I can barely hold my head up and want to sleep all the time but everything irritates me. I keep making mistakes that are creating problems for me and that compounds everything - new problems that I just can't deal with.

I guess I need to see my PD more frequently than I want to. I really want to stay home but if it wasn't for my doctor's appointments, I wouldn't have a life at all.

What has my life come to. I wish I had something positive to share with who ever is reading this but it's part of the ups and downs of bipolar and this part feels down or maybe hypo-manic? I wouldn't wish this on anyone, even my worse enemy.