Way too off....

It's been awhile. Where do I start when I have so much to say. I've made such a mess of my life and feel like it's beyond repair.

Is it me? Is it what I'm made of? It is how I'm wired? Is it what I've learned or even possibly what I haven't learned? I just don't know how to communicate with people and how to maintain relationships. When it gets too hard I just shut down.

I really feel like I try hard to maintain relationships. It's often been said that I'm a giving person and I'd like to believe that's true but when is it time to say enough is enough.

When I'm in the room with people, even those I like, it feels like it's an effort to keep up - like the air is being sucked out of the room and I have to catch my breath. I have panic attacks a lot and have to excuse myself. Lately, Ativan is my best friend when I'm out - that's if I go out at all.

Staying home is safe. I don't have to deal with anyone I wish I could stay at home forever but I have doctor's appointments and a few other things I have to do. I often wonder and even worry if it will ever get to the point to where I won't be able to leave my house.

I had to be around people last week and it took the life out of me. It's a long story that hurts me to even talk about. I tried to view it as a way to test myself to prove I could be around people and trust them - it back fired!

This has been the start of a very depressing week but a very anxious week at the same time. I can barely hold my head up and want to sleep all the time but everything irritates me. I keep making mistakes that are creating problems for me and that compounds everything - new problems that I just can't deal with.

I guess I need to see my PD more frequently than I want to. I really want to stay home but if it wasn't for my doctor's appointments, I wouldn't have a life at all.

What has my life come to. I wish I had something positive to share with who ever is reading this but it's part of the ups and downs of bipolar and this part feels down or maybe hypo-manic? I wouldn't wish this on anyone, even my worse enemy.

Do You Think The Way I Do?

It may sound funny but, do you think the way I do? I often look at people and wonder - or maybe it's wishful thinking that I could process things the same way other people do.

I walked into a book store the other day and and took time to watch the people there. Some in the magazine section flipping through pages and others running their fingers along the titles looking for a particular book. So quiet and peaceful and everyone enjoying how they were "able" to absorb their leisure time looking for that perfect book or magazine.

Yes, it may sound funny but I wish I could process things the way other people do. In the same store I find it close to impossible to sit for more than 10 minutes without running out. I might find the perfect book or magazine but to sit there and spend more than 5 or 10 minutes would make my skin crawl... I would feel like I have to run.

I can buy the book and bring it home and if I find I'm interested in it, I enjoy reading it but can only do so for about 30 minutes or so at a time then I start to feel anxious. Some people get tired, I get anxious.

When I watch TV, I can't watch the movie the whole way through without getting up because once again, I feel anxious and when I'm watching the movie I'm not only watching the movie, I'm watching the background of the set, if the actress is missing an earring, if something is missing or has changed from one minute to the next and it makes me so frustrated. It's frustrating for me, can you imagine what it's like to live with me? I couldn't do it.

I wish my mind could rest. If I had one wish in life, it would be for my mind to be at rest. To be able to read a greeting card without wondering where it was made. To wake up in the morning and sit in a chair in my patio with a cup of coffee and take a big breath and just enjoy the start of my day without making a mental list of what needs to be done in the yard.

It may not make sense to someone that isn't Bipolar but, you can't turn off the part of your mind that thinks all the time. I'm so tired of thinking all the time and just wish I could have silence.... silence in my mind. Do you think the way I do? I hope not because I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Mixed Episode

I'm finding it hard to concentrate. My mind is darting on fifty things at once because I'm so frustrated about something. There is an issue going on in my life that needs to be settled that it very very important to me and it's causing me a lot of stress.

As I mentioned in my last post, I can't just let it go and wait for the process to take it's place, my mind goes everywhere with it. The company I'm having problems with will affect my daily life, are they doing this on purpose, am I over reacting, do they know how this is affecting me, are they really doing what they claim they are doing? And on and on and on.

I'm so depressed I can't stand it but at the same time my mind is racing. It makes me feel like I'm going to explode - in slow motion.

I'm on so many prescriptions to control my Bipolar and have something to take when I'm anxious or can't sleep. If I'm depressed and anxious at the same time do I take something for anxiety? I guess so. I'm depressed so I should be able to sleep, but I'm anxious at the same time because of what is going on so I should take something to sleep. This is such a struggle in my mind. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I don't know if it's the same for everyone with Bipolar II but one of the things that is very important to me is for things to be finished... things to be settled. I don't like loose ends in my life - it makes me feel unsettled and anxious. I'm not good at waiting and being patient.

My doctor will be out of town this week and I didn't think it would affect me but for some reason I feel uneasy about it. I can always leave a message for him and he said he would call back but I wouldn't want to do that - for some reason I feel like I should be able to handle myself for such a short period of time - this is ridiculous. Maybe that's part of what is making me feel anxious as well.

I have to take my dog in for surgery today and that's making me a bit anxious. I tell myself it's something that has to be done but she's just a puppy and with as silly as it sounds, when I look at her and know what they have to do, I feel so guilty. I know it has to be done but it makes me so upset - but I guess it would make anyone upset that is a pet lover. I'll keep you posted on her progress.

I feel anxious about a friend of mine - her husband is sick. I'm so worried about her. She's Bipolar and with her husband being I'll, I worry about her as well. I've been trying to give her some space and not call too often because I think her husband is still at home recovering from his hospital stay. I pray that everything turns out alright and he's OK. They need each other so much.

Well that's all for now. Keep you posted!

Bipolar II

I'd like to start by sharing a little bit about myself. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II in 2007 after an entire lifetime of being told I suffered from depression and at the same time was an over achiever. I am not a professional in this field - only someone who has personal experience being diagnosed and living with Bipolar II.


Bipolar II is a psychiatric disorder that involves/causes mood swings from being hypomanic to depressed. Bipolar II does not involve manic states/episodes - only hypomanic episodes (somewhat of a mild version of manic, therfore, hypomanic).

Bipolar II can create depression so great the risk of suicide is increased over those who suffer from Bipolar I.

Bipolar II disorder includes but is not limited to symptoms such as racing thoughts, being much more talkative, inflative self-esteem and as noted above, serious depression and the like.

When the term is used of racing thoughts, I call it "blender brain" because my mind feels like it's going a thousand miles a minute. My mind jumps from one thing to the next never completing one thought. I also go into a mode of what if this and what if that. It's difficult to explain to those who do not have Bipolar disorder but I'll try.

Racing thoughts can be - "I hope I can sleep tonight but if I don't, I'll clean the house but the house isn't really dirty so I might read a book but do I have a book I really want to read? No... so maybe I should go to the book store but it's too busy at this time of the day and it irritates me - I don't know why, but I feel so irritated today. Did I remember to pick-up my presciption from the pharmacy for my anxiety yet? I don't think so, maybe I should check and while I do, maybe I should check to make sure I have something in case I have problems sleeping tonight" and on and on and on.

Racing thought's don't stop. Yes, your brain feels like a blender.

When the DOWN part of Bipolar hits, I feel like I'm in the bottom of a dark cave with no light. The word depression does not begin to explain what I feel. I don't want to talk to anyone - I can't. The only thing that can even begin to make sense to me is sleep and it comes to me like my only fried for days and days at a time. I can sleep for 20 hours or more waking up only long enough to make the people around me feel safe - to convince them I've done nothing foolish like take too many pills or something (because no one (not Bipolar) can believe you can sleep that long without being drugged up).

When I'm depressed, depression becomes every part of me. It's my best friend because no one else could possibly understand how I feel. Only me in my darkness and it frightens me because at the time, it's who I am and at the time, I feel who I will always be... it will never end.

The past 3 or 4 weeks have been down. When the phone rings and the door bell rings at the same time, I panic and don't know what to do - it's just too much. Because I'm on the DOWN part of Bipolar - depression... I can't concentrate, can't find things, start things, complete things, I don't want to talk or listen.

This morning I actually got up at a reasonable hour and thought I would boil water to make some oatmeal (about 9:30 a.m.) and just as the water got hot, I told my husband I wanted to lay down for about 15 minutes more and turned the flame off. When I woke up it was 3:30 p.m. and I had to work at getting out of bed.

Well, this is my first post. I'll be writing as my moods change to share the Ups and Downs of a person with Bipolar Disorder.