Do You Think The Way I Do?

It may sound funny but, do you think the way I do? I often look at people and wonder - or maybe it's wishful thinking that I could process things the same way other people do.

I walked into a book store the other day and and took time to watch the people there. Some in the magazine section flipping through pages and others running their fingers along the titles looking for a particular book. So quiet and peaceful and everyone enjoying how they were "able" to absorb their leisure time looking for that perfect book or magazine.

Yes, it may sound funny but I wish I could process things the way other people do. In the same store I find it close to impossible to sit for more than 10 minutes without running out. I might find the perfect book or magazine but to sit there and spend more than 5 or 10 minutes would make my skin crawl... I would feel like I have to run.

I can buy the book and bring it home and if I find I'm interested in it, I enjoy reading it but can only do so for about 30 minutes or so at a time then I start to feel anxious. Some people get tired, I get anxious.

When I watch TV, I can't watch the movie the whole way through without getting up because once again, I feel anxious and when I'm watching the movie I'm not only watching the movie, I'm watching the background of the set, if the actress is missing an earring, if something is missing or has changed from one minute to the next and it makes me so frustrated. It's frustrating for me, can you imagine what it's like to live with me? I couldn't do it.

I wish my mind could rest. If I had one wish in life, it would be for my mind to be at rest. To be able to read a greeting card without wondering where it was made. To wake up in the morning and sit in a chair in my patio with a cup of coffee and take a big breath and just enjoy the start of my day without making a mental list of what needs to be done in the yard.

It may not make sense to someone that isn't Bipolar but, you can't turn off the part of your mind that thinks all the time. I'm so tired of thinking all the time and just wish I could have silence.... silence in my mind. Do you think the way I do? I hope not because I wouldn't wish this on anyone.